The Pro & The Joe

I have had a problem getting the big O for a very long time. I now get the urge to have sex at the strangest times, but I never climax. Is there some wisdom you could share to possibly help wake miss kitty up?

sexdotcom — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:15:00 GMT

The Pro

If I were a therapist sitting down with you I’d ask you questions like:

Do you masturbate? And if so, what do you fantasize about? Is there a possibility that you could bring those fantasies in to your sex life with a partner, either just in your mind when you close your eyes, or with your partner as part of the fantasy?

Do you enjoy sex with your partner? Have you had orgasms with him/her before?

Are you and your partner having relationship problems?

Have you tried using a vibrator?

These are all very important questions as to what might be going on. If you’ve been having orgasms up to this point and it’s become more difficult, It could be any number of things. You might be angry or unhappy with your partner and it’s showing itself in your inability to climax. This is very common with women. Or it could be that your partner isn’t doing the sorts of things you like and you’re not comfortable speaking up. Or perhaps you’re ready to move on to some new ways of making love or fantasies you’d like to act out and you don’t know how to express it. Or you might be unable to access within yourself what actually turns you on in bed. If you haven’t ever or aren’t sure whether you’ve actually had an orgasm, it would be very productive to masturbate. This is how we learn what we like, how we like to be touched, what sorts of images flood our mind and turn us on. Even if you’ve had orgasms, it would be very helpful for you to spend some time self-pleasuring, rediscovering what turns you on.

I would suggest you pick a time when you know you’ll be alone and uninterrupted. Draw a bath for yourself, maybe filling it with fragrant and relaxing oils like ylang ylang or lavender, something sensual and relaxing. Light a candle and allow yourself to just float away in to a zone, try not to think about anything or have any expectations. Begin to sensually caress your skin, your body and just let what ever thoughts and images come in to your mind unedited. Take your time and fell how soft your skin is. Eventually let your hands caress your breasts, your vulva. Explore the folds and all the hidden away places. See what feels good to the touch. Maybe you want to have with you a book of erotic stories, maybe a waterproof vibe or smooth dildo that you can explore yourself with. See where your thoughts take you, what images flood your mind, and don’t hold back.

This is how we discover who we are sexually. Then we can bring what we learn about ourselves to our sex-life with our partner.

Have you tried using a vibrator? Many women find they need more direct stimulation on their clitoris to come to full orgasm. There are vibes that have moderate to strong vibrations, and some that are very strong. And there are those that stimulate the clitoris alone, while others also stimulate what’s known as the G spot. There’s a lot of available information on all this on line. Be sure to read about what each one does and if possible, visit an erotic store that’s woman-friendly and ask questions.

Another tip I’ll give you is that many women find that stimulating both the G spot and the clitoris at the same time produces the most amazing climax. Again, there is a lot of information available in books and on the internet about how to find your G spot. Explore and see what you find, both on the internet and within yourself!

If you find you still can not climax, even by yourself, you may want to find a therapist to work with who can help you explore what might be going on for you. There might be something holding you back like some emotional issues or anger or guilt and shame from your upbringing. Perhaps you’ve suffered from some trauma you’re not able to get in touch with. There are many qualified social workers and psychologists as well as those who also specialize in human sexuality. If you want someone who specializes in sexuality, visit http://www.AASECT.org (the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Their web site is a reliable source of certified and knowledgeable counselors for both individual and couples counseling.

The Joe

Try to think back to when you started having problems getting that O, considering two aspects of that time: the mental and physical.

I'll talk about the physical first, because it is the most often overlooked problem and usually the easiest to fix. Has your physical condition changed in a major way since you noticed ill-timed urgings? Have you gained or lost a lot of weight, gotten into or out of shape? It could be your lifestyle catching up with you, such as bad eating habits finally taking their toll. Conversely, it could be a positive side effect of daily exercise catching up with you too. You might be feeling better and able, so your body is primed even though you might not even be thinking of the deed. Wake your muscles up by doing area specific "workouts"— kegels, clench your buttcheeks, squats, pelvic thrusts. But don't necessarily make them part of your masturbation practices. Just to make sure your parts are ship-shape.

Another simple issue- are you pregnant? for some women hormones rule the land (and can declare martial law).

Mental issues as they pertain to sex usually float on a spectrum between trust/comfort and filth/danger. Figure out whether you get off better in a situation of trust and closeness usually associated with a long-term relationship and familiarity OR one of being dangerous or nasty. The nasty is a creature in and of itself as well— do you require (and not know it) any of the following: dirty talk, kink of a specific fetish, more spontaneity? And that is just to figure out if the equation is affected by how you fit with your partner. Individually you may be coming to some sort of desire that you can no longer ignore. I think it is the latter given the fact that your question doesn't mention how a partner (if any) fits into the scenario.

Here are some quick questions to help you figure out what may help.

They may be way out past what you may be thinking, or need to be thinking, but they should still help you focus in a little on what could be the problem.

Do you want/ need to explore exhibitionistic tendencies? Maybe the strange timing, when it’s inappropriate and “naughty” to get off, piques your interest.

How are your Circadian rhythms? Are you eating, sleeping, exercising, and pooping regular basis? If your cycles are off, you may not get off...

Are you coming off (or starting) a drug or substance regimen? Your body may be getting used to a deprivation or introduction of something. It may be simple things you wouldn't suspect, like antihistamines or other over-the-counter medicine.

If there is a change in what (or who) you put into your body or your schedule, start by evaluating that. If you are trying to figure out or get back to whatever is normal for you, concentrate on that. Even if that means coming to the conclusion that what was once normal for you no longer works.

Not a particularly smarmy or witty advice column this week, but you get the idea. Happy humping.

My conservative wife gave me some porn. What’s she up to? Is this some kind of trap?

sexdotcom — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 16:03:00 GMT

The Pro

From Candida Royalle:

My, my, someone’s a little paranoid. Gee, most men would be thrilled! What was the context? How does a woman just “give” her husband some porn out of the blue? Was it like, “Happy birthday, honey… I thought you might like these?” Or did she just happen to have them around from her wild sorority days? Did she hand them to you and walk away, waiting to see what you would do with them? Or did she suggest you watch them together? I need more information here. Context is everything.

I would suggest you ask her straight out what her intentions are. Maybe she’s showing you a side to her you never knew about. Sometimes it’s the most “conservative” women who turn out to be the wildest in bed. Or maybe she’s trying to keep you busy with porn so you’ll leave her alone! The notion of her trying to set a trap seems awfully sinister to me, and the fact that you would suspect that makes me wonder about your relationship in the first place.

Why aren’t you able to just ask her? Do you and your wife communicate? Just ask her why she’s giving you some porn… and if you can’t do that, well then you two need some counseling. Let me know and I’ll point you in the direction of some good resources for couples therapists… really!

The Joe

From LD Grant:

There's treachery afoot. If yours is a long marriage and she still uses words like “pee-pee” and “wee-wee” (and can't bring herself to say “cock”) circle the wagons! If it’s a new marriage and you’re relatively young, don't be as worried.

Women tend to read more about relationships, sociology, and psychology. She may have read some statistic about how “normal” it is for guys to use porn and how it has no bearing on whether a guy will cheat. A good wife will try to be supportive, and maybe she is doing just that. Then again, it could be a modern tiger trap, a test on multiple levels.

First, your wife could be testing your depravity. The material may be a set-up with mostly vanilla fare, until up pops a scene (or page) with things you didn't know existed—a transsexual cyborg with a strap-on and a penchant for midgets dressed as cartoon vegetables. In this case, she could ambush you with: “You made it that far into it? That turned you on?"—which is made even worse if she catches you with a hard-on during the scene. (Hell, accepting it or taking the plastic wrap off could get you into trouble.)

Or, this “test” could also be her way of communicating what she deems “acceptable” porn. Is there harp music playing, lit candles everywhere, and everyone speaking politely with slight British accents?

I say, fight fire with fire. Diffuse and redirect the issue: Go buy a camcorder. Give it to her and return the porn, unopened if possible. Act a little worldly and say something like, "Oh darling, with the internet, I hear (this implies that you’re not doing it but are aware that it’s possible) it is so easy to find anything like this. You know me, so would you please make me something you know I’d like?"

Did you see what happened? The test for you became a test for her. Instead of her testing you on whether you will take it, like it, use it, or any of the above, you are now testing her on what she thinks of women who make porn, what she feels is the dirtiest thing that should be on film, and lastly, what she thinks turns you on and whether she’s is willing to do it. If she makes the movie (even with the poorest sound quality and shakiest hand-cam work on the planet), you know she is Grade A—loving and committed to trying new things and keeping you interested.

And, if she does make it for you, treat that thing like the holy grail—think velvet-lined, fireproof lock box with a key you wear around your neck—because it is now your most prized possession. Don’t forget to thank her like she saved your life from a nut-crunching catastrophe.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. He used to be dominant in bed, which I loved, but sex has gone downhill over the last year. He says it’s because I nag him, but I nag because he’s useless around the house. I don’t want to split up over this, but knowing what I am missing is awful. Please help.

sexdotcom — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:00:00 GMT

The Pro

From Candida Royalle:

Hmmmm… this really can become a problem. How to keep the romance and passion going after moving in together or getting married and having to share the everyday necessities of life—like who takes out the garbage and who cleans up after dinner—is not easy! And it’s further complicated by the fact that at this point in time couples come to marriage with a whole set of expectations that were traditionally not a part of the marital “contract” at all. Marriage wasn’t created for never-ending fun and passion. It was an arrangement created to raise a family and keep the blood lines in order. The notion of a marriage that encompasses romance and great sex for years to come is a relatively recent one created by Western culture. So when the realities of such a partnership begin to set in, we’re surprised and often disappointed; hence the high rate of divorce in Western culture.

Unfortunately, we women often marry men while we’re still in the throes of romance, and you know what they say: Love is blind… or at least blurry! We find all sorts of ways to “forgive” him his “cute” little faults, like not picking up after himself when he stays at our place, or not putting the seat down after he takes a leak. Sometimes we just don’t even notice!

But as the fog or haze of romantic love begins to clear and the mundane realities of everyday life set in to our marital home, the “cute” little faults begin to annoy. Unfortunately, if a man had a mother who also “nagged” him about such things, what happens when you ask him to help around the house is that he ends up hearing mom’s voice and becomes the rebellious boy rather than your lover-man, and you become “mom” rather than his adorable lover-girl.What guy wants to dominate “mom” in bed?

So, what are your options? Find a way to stop nagging him or face becoming “mom.” Whether it’s finding a way to compromise with each other—he vacuums one weekend and you vacuum the next, or what ever you can work out—or accept that he’s lousy around the house but worth the price of being dominated in bed and having hot sex. It’s a dilemma many women face, believe me, but I don’t know what else to suggest… except counseling to help you talk it out? Good luck!

The Joe

From LD Grant:

Youch. I don't have complete backgrounds on either of you to say definitively who’s at fault. Is his “uselessness” around the house because you expect him to do everything on top of holding a full-time job so you can watch Tivo'd soaps and have girls’ nights out between spa visits? Or is he getting hugely overweight from a strict regimen of HoHos and DingDongs while staying up all night playing online games (fantasy football included) and is so entrenched he is considering using adult diapers so he doesn't ever have to leave his chair? Either way, looking back while moving forward is not a healthy way to live or to make a transition to the bedroom.

The more committed a relationship, the more there is an overlap between the day-to day routine and night-to-night activities. There are things I consider normal and essential that are not sexual at all but make a sex life easier to maintain. Yes, a sex life requires maintenance. You both have to maintain yourselves enough to physically handle sex and emotionally desire it, and the stuff outside the bedroom that you need to work on makes it so you both want to have the sex... with each other.

Here's the non-sex advice: Discuss and be aware of the functions of the household. Know who is responsible for food, but plan it together. It’s the same with cleaning and errands. Have some daily physical activity together that is not fucking. My wife and I walk the dog together at least once every day. I am useless in the kitchen with food prep, but I help plan meals and clean up. Even though she may not be as handy as me, when there are chores that may result in my injury—cutting off a finger, electrocution, falling from a great height—she serves as my assistant by merely keeping me company and being available to dial 911. The phrase is “Divide and conquer,” not “Divide. Conquer.”

This is way more psycho-babble than I am accustomed to spewing. Don't talk your guy to death about this. Just start doing more dividing and conquering house work, and making it a regular habit. More present-tense interaction will get you both into The Deed.

Now, here’s the sex advice: Find a way to shut your nagging mouth in the bedroom. That’s not to say you will or should shut up entirely. In the same way you look back at how he used to dominate you in the bedroom, he may be looking back at how demure and suppliant (his coy sex kitten) you used to be. That may be what he is missing, and the awful thing he feels has replaced it is the nagging. Maybe work on your bedroom talk to coax the “old him" back. Also, make your bedroom off-limits to any nagging, even if you’re just hanging out in there.

Remember, sex is vitamins to a relationship. It is not a “treat” or “dessert” so many would like to call it. If you cannot regularly physically express your feelings or desires, you as a couple and as individuals will continue to weaken until a stupid household issues breaks you.