The Pro
There’s nothing wrong with you; in fact, your situation is quite common. You and your boyfriend crossed a dangerous line that needed to be thought through more carefully. For a variety of reasons, many couples fantasize about bringing a third party into their sexual relationship. But fantasizing and doing it are two very different things. In fantasy, where you pretend and act out something that turns you both on, such as having a ménage à trois, you’re in control of the situation and not really threatening the trust and bond you have created, though even “pretending” can have its dangers. You may feel jealous or insecure just at the thought that your partner might actually want or even prefer someone else. This is a very tender issue!
When someone asks me whether they should move from fantasy to reality by inviting another person in to their sex-play, I caution them to think this through very carefully. It takes a very rare person to handle sharing their lover with another person. Two people that can handle that situation is even more unusual. Whether it’s social-conditioning, insecurity, or a primal urge to protect what is “ours,” most human beings are possessive and protective of the person they love. Jealousy and insecurity are bound to arise when we feel that love is threatened.
It sounds like you had your sense of security and trust broken by this experience. Have you discussed your feelings with your boyfriend? Have you asked him point-blank whether he’s seeing this woman now? Are you sure he actually enjoyed having sex with her more? Or could it be that your insecurity was triggered by seeing him with someone else? It’s important that you talk to him honestly and frankly about how you feel. He may be able to reassure you, leading the way toward repairing the breach in trust and security you’re feeling. Or you may discover that bringing in a third party was only the beginning of the end of what you thought was a secure relationship.
It sounds like you need to reevaluate whether you’re someone who should be having threesomes... or whether your boyfriend is someone you should be doing it with. Maybe you’re not suited for that sort of sex-play. Most of us aren’t. Either way, it’s better to bring this up now and find out whether he’s indeed seeing this woman on the side, or if not, whether he’s interested in doing this again. Either way, you need and deserve to know.
The Joe
You did ruin your three-year relationship. You’re not being paranoid.
The only thing wrong with you is that you didn’t wait until you got married before you agreed to participate in stabbing your relationship in the heart. At least then, you’d be getting a monthly alimony check to compensate for the time you’ve wasted with Captain Romance. All you’re left with now is a ribbon-wrapped memory box filled with pictures you’ll eventually burn in some Wiccan cleansing ritual after one too many Midori sours at TGI Friday’s.
I know I’ve said something similar to this before, but what on Earth would lead you to believe this would be a good idea?
“Hey, sweetie. I’ve got an idea that I think could make our relationship even stronger?”
“A trip to Costa Rica?”
“Well, that, and maybe we could get a hotel room and I could screw a hooker in front of you. How does that sound, snookems?”
“I wouldn’t even know how to find one of those.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got one on speed dial. How does this Friday sound?”
“My parents are in town this weekend. What about Sunday night after they leave?”
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why you went through with it. From the tone of your question, it doesn’t seem like you were into the idea at all. You agreed to a threesome, you didn’t initiate it. You women need to stop putting the happiness of your partners above your own.
Despite what you’ve probably heard, time does not heal all wounds. Some are irreparable, and the best we can do is learn how to live with knowledge that we never should have acquired. It’s just like when I heard my hearing-impaired mother using her vibrator: There are some mental images that cannot be erased no matter how much we’d like them be. And my God, do I wish I could burn that one out of my psyche forever. I wish I could say that you’ll eventually be able to live with knowing what you now do, but it’s obvious you won’t be able to. Even Pretty Woman is going to remind you of what happened.
Somewhere along the line, you must have had second thoughts. If you want your next relationship to last, start listening to them.